According to the CDC, “over 250,000 people die each year from sepsis…1 in 3 people that die in the hospital, die from sepsis.” So you would think that I count myself lucky for being one of the ones that survived that disease, but surviving sepsis was the dawn of the most somber time of my entire life. And, as morbid as it sounds, there are times that I don’t count myself as being lucky.
To understand where my life is NOW, we need to go back in time.
Call Doc. Get that DeLorean ready to go back to the summer of 2015!
Summer of 2015, at a friend’s wedding
I had just hit “100 pounds down,” I was happy, I was sure that I would never gain any weight back (because WHY would a person work so hard and then just give it up??), and I was on top of the world.
I loved hiking, jumping off bridges, and knee boarding on the water. Basically doing everything I never imagined I would be able to do. I felt invincible and for the first time ever, athletic.
I had worked extremely hard to get to this point in my life, and I loved EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND of it. Seriously, I almost changed my major in college because of how much I loved nutrition and exercise and the differences that changing those things could make in someone’s life.
This was probably the happiest time of my entire life.
Fast forward to December 2015, where everything in my life changed in 48 hours. I got sick, with strep-like symptoms, but it turned out to be WAY more serious than just strep throat.
The day after Christmas, I was rushed to the emergency room, with vitals all in the red.
It took doctors a couple of hours and a couple of really strong antibiotics, to find that I had contracted Sepsis.
After 2 weeks in the hospital, and round the clock care, I was sent home to recover. I went on my way, and within 48 hours of getting a picc line (really really big IV) removed, I was back to college to finish my last year. I started gaining my stamina back and getting back to the gym.
The first three months, I’m pretty sure that I was living on the adrenaline of almost dying, because everything felt normal…I would later realize that during that time, everything felt numb.
December 2015, Utah Valley ICU (feat Christmas Grumpy Cat)
I should have noticed to that something was wrong within those 3 months, while I was gaining my stamina back, I started acting…for lack of better words, insane.
I was rude and selfish to the people who helped me the most, I was insecure, and I ended up destructing relationships that meant the world to me, because at the time, I was, without a doubt in my mind, right.
It wasn’t until I had graduated college (on TIME. And believe me, many miracles happened for that to be accomplished, but that’s a story for another time). and had moved back home and started my first job that I realized something was…off.
In August of 2016, I started gaining weight, losing my passion for a healthy lifestyle, losing my love of working out, and becoming extremely depressed.
By the time I woke up from my nightmare enough to realize my life had completely changed, I had gained almost 100 pounds. Which just added to my sadness and depression.
I was diagnosed with PSD (Post Sepsis Disorder) in January of 2017. Which is a combination of PTSD and Depression. It was a liberating and sad diagnosis. On one hand, the battle I had been fighting for over a year had a face, on the other hand, it wasn’t an easy fix.
This was the beginning of a very long road.
I kept looking back to the summer of 2015 like it was these glory days that I would never be able to achieve again, and the more I thought about it, the more I convinced myself that I would never be able to get back to that point.
Summer 2015 | January 2018
You know how people surface when they’ve lost all of the weight to share those AMAZING, and I truly do mean amazing, “Before and After” pictures? Yeah…mine is kind of like that…but in reverse. FOR NOW.
I’m in an interesting place right now, where a lot of people don’t let you in, I’m at my highest weight I have ever been, and I’m starting my journey again to become a healthier me.
Let’s get real, I have all of the knowledge that I need to be a healthier me, I’m a BEAST when I get going, but I literally have not had the, in the words of Oprah, “AHA!” moment. It feels like I’m stuck, and that’s why I’m writing this post. #wordvomit
Because I KNOW that I am capable of more than I am putting into my life, and I KNOW that I can do it, I mean, I’ve already done it once.
In total, from the weight I was after the hospital, to what I weighed this morning, I have gained 86 pounds in two years.
That’s hard to write/say. I have been in the deep depths of denial.
But, I’m writing this post as a promise to the people who don’t think they can come back from something, for the people who don’t know how to get started, and for anyone who needs that little nudge. I hope you read this, and know that you can do it. I’m writing this post for the people like me 3 years ago who literally couldn’t FATHOM how people gain weight back.
Life happens. Depression wins some days. But, you are never too far gone to come back.
If there is one thing that I have learned in the last two years, it’s that your weight loss journey won’t be a perfect line, there will be hills and valleys, twists and turns. It’s your job to see past those to the goal that you make.
So, let’s go on this journey together. Check back each Thursday for weekly updates, and to see how I’m doing! I’m excited to do this, at least as I’m typing this…so……
LET’S DO THIS.
Here’s a GIF of Oprah, she wants you to win too ?
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